The Power of ‘No’
Over the past few weeks, we've explored the importance of self-expression, the excitement of side hustles, and the courage to speak up. Today, I want to dive into another crucial aspect of confidence: the power of saying "No" and the role of assertiveness in our lives.
Picture this…..
It's Monday morning, and you’ve just sat down with your first cup of coffee, ready to tackle your to-do list. Suddenly, your colleague pops up, asking if you can help with a project that’s due tomorrow. Before you can blink, your phone buzzes with a message from a friend who needs help moving this weekend, and then your manager swings by, hinting at a new task they’d like you to take on. You smile and nod, agreeing to everything, while internally, you’re screaming, “I barely have time to breathe!”
Sound familiar? We've all been there. The fear of saying "no" can leave us overcommitted and overwhelmed. But why is it so hard to say "no," and how can we learn to do it effectively without feeling guilty or fearing rejection?
Many of us are conditioned to please others, fearing that declining a request might lead to disappointment, conflict, or a negative perception. However, constantly saying "yes" can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of focus on our own priorities.
I admit it: I'm a people pleaser. Helping others gives me satisfaction and a sense of purpose. But I’ve come to realise that this often means I seek reassurance from others about their acceptance of me and their affection. It has in the past, led to me not expressing my own needs openly, and I have found myself expecting others to reciprocate with the same level of care—only to feel frustrated when they don't.
And when I really dig deep, this behaviour suggests that I need to earn love and affection, rather than believing I am inherently worthy of it. Is that true for you? It’s a big question. Take some time to ponder on it!
Learning to embrace self-compassion and prioritise my own needs has helped me let go of my people-pleasing tendencies and build a healthier sense of self-worth.
What we are really talking about is assertiveness.
Assertiveness is the ability to express our needs, desires, and boundaries clearly and respectfully. It's a critical skill for maintaining our well-being and building confidence. When we assertively say "no," we're affirming our right to prioritise our time and energy, which reinforces our self-worth and confidence.
“But Jo,” I hear you say, “I’m a people pleaser too and I really struggle to say No. What can I do?”
Just by reading this article, you’ve started the journey. You may start to notice when you feel compelled to say yes, or acknowledge that you do want that person to like you. Why? This journey of self discovery and becoming the observer of your self will really help.
Here are some strategies to help you master the art of saying "no" with confidence:
Be Clear and Direct - When you need to decline a request, be straightforward. You don't need to over-explain or justify your decision. A simple "I'm unable to commit to this right now" is often enough.
Practice Self- Awareness - Understand your limits and priorities. Reflect on your goals and what truly matters to you, so you can make decisions that align with your values.
Use Positive Language - Frame your "no" positively. For example, "I'm focusing on [specific priority] right now, so I can't take on anything else."
Offer Alternatives - If appropriate, suggest an alternative solution or a different time when you might be available. This shows that you're still supportive, even if you can't help immediately.
Build Your Confidence Muscle - Like any skill, assertiveness improves with practice. Start with smaller "no's" and gradually work up to more significant boundaries.
Examples of How to Say "No”
To a Colleague - "I appreciate you thinking of me for this project, but I’m currently at capacity with my existing workload. Maybe John could help out?"
To a Friend - "I'd love to help you move, but I've got plans this weekend. How about I come by for an hour to help you pack instead?”
To Your Manager - "I understand this task is important. However, with my current deadlines, I wouldn’t be able to give it the attention it deserves. Could we look at reprioritising my tasks?"
Starting Out If You’re Not Very Assertive
If assertiveness doesn’t come naturally to you, here are a few steps to get started:
Start Small - Practice saying "no" in low-stakes situations. This could be as simple as declining a coffee invitation when you need some downtime.
Prepare Your Responses - Have a few polite but firm responses ready. This makes it easier to say "no" on the spot without overthinking.
Reflect on Your Boundaries - Take some time to understand your own limits and non-negotiables. Knowing your boundaries makes it easier to communicate them.
Seek Support - Talk to friends, family, or a coach about your goals. They can offer encouragement and help you practice assertiveness in a safe environment.
By learning to say "no" assertively, you'll experience many benefits. You'll have more time and energy to devote to your priorities and passions, including your side hustle and personal growth. Setting boundaries helps prevent burnout and maintain your mental and emotional health. Additionally, clear communication and respect for your own boundaries can lead to more honest and balanced relationships.
So, let's embrace the power of "no" and harness the strength that comes from assertiveness. By doing so, we not only protect our well-being but also build the confidence to pursue what truly matters to us.